#55 Our Baby Was Going to Die (Infant Loss, Grief, & Hope) - Andy & Jamie Stewart
Andy and Jamie Stewart were expecting their first child when they received the crushing news their baby was not going to survive. How could they trust a God who would let that happen?
The following is a summary of the podcast interview above with Andy and Jamie Stewart. Many more details are included in the original podcast episode and we encourage you to listen.
Written by Jace Bower
A Firm Foundation
Andy and Jamie Stewart both grew up in Christian homes, made professions of faith, went to church consistently, and met each other during their first year of college. Five years later they got married and were living a pretty normal, comfortable life in the Denver suburbs. Andy was a civil engineer, Jamie was a hairdresser, and they were plugged in with a great church. Life was good.
Three years later, they became pregnant with their first child and were super excited to start their family. Jamie was just certain their baby would be a girl, so she preemptively chose the name Logan for their baby.
They had a sonogram scheduled where they would finally confirm Logan’s gender. Plans were made for a special party revealing the gender later on.
An Unexpected Complication
Full of excitement, Andy and Jamie headed into their appointment. They were brought into an ultrasound room and the examination began.
The young ultrasound technician had warned them ahead of time to not be concerned about her facial expressions. She naturally looked serious when focusing on her work, she confessed. She advised them to not read too much into it.
Despite this assurance, Andy and Jamie knew something was off as soon as the ultrasound began. The mood in the room changed immediately. Twenty minutes into their scheduled hour-long appointment, the ultrasound technician took her gloves off and walked out without a word.
Confusing News
Andy and Jamie didn’t know what to think. Was something wrong with their child? Their minds began to race with the possibilities.
The ultrasound technician returned with another technician and they talked with each other. They did not address Andy or Jamie. After taking some pictures, they escorted Andy and Jamie to another office down the hall.
Andy and Jamie waited in that room for, what seemed like to them, an eternity. The couple had been expecting to see a midwife that day but instead, a doctor walked in.
The doctor had serious news. The ultrasound revealed some abnormalities with the Stewart’s child. She didn’t give them much more information. The doctor sent Andy and Jamie out with a card to a specialist.
An Agonizing Wait
The Stewarts drove home in shock. They had walked into the office just an hour earlier with so much joy and excitement to find out their baby’s gender. Now they were confused and didn’t know what to think.
They had expected to return home and begin preparations for their gender reveal party. Jamie was planning to bake a cake with pink or blue coloring. Now what were they to do?
They called the specialist on the card and scheduled an appointment for the next day. In the meantime, they waited as the minutes and hours passed painstakingly slow.
A Baby Boy
The next morning, Andy and Jamie went in to see the specialist. Andy and Jamie’s parents accompanied them to the appointment. Before the ultrasound even began, the technician told them it was going to be a hard day. She had clearly received more information from the prior day’s ultrasound.
During the course of the ultrasound, the technician shared that Logan was actually a boy. This was a bittersweet moment for the Stewarts. They had a son but his future was very uncertain and his parents didn’t know what was happening to him.
Tragic Diagnosis
An older doctor came in and began his examination. He worked quickly. After he completed his examination he knelt down at Jamie’s level, held her hand, and delivered the sad news: their son was not going to make it.
Andy and Jamie were devastated. Logan, their baby boy, was going to die.
The doctors had diagnosed Logan with a very rare medical condition called osteogenesis imperfecta type 2. There are a variety of types of OI but the type 2 variety is always lethal. The original ultrasound had shown that Logan already had many broken bones. Because of his condition, Logan’s bones would not be able to grow. This would in turn cause problems for his organs and would ultimately lead to Logan being unable to live outside the womb.
Difficult Decisions
Now that Andy and Jamie had received the diagnosis for their baby boy, they had to make a number of difficult decisions.
Some of their options included terminating the pregnancy, inducing labor, or continuing to carry Logan as close to term as they could.
The Stewarts chose the last option. They wanted to spend as much time with their unborn child as possible. And they didn’t want to give up hope that God could do a miracle in Jamie’s womb.
Their decision received a wide range of reactions. They had family and friends who supported them and loved them. They prayed and fought for hope together. Many others in the medical community didn’t understand why Andy and Jamie would go through more pain instead of just terminating the pregnancy and moving on. They considered Logan a lost cause. Why keep hoping against hope?
Delivery
At 27 weeks, Jamie’s water broke.
They rushed to the hospital for a grueling two-day delivery. Jamie’s sister Kelly was there with them. Everything seemed to be going wrong. The process of delivery was not just physically painful but also emotionally agonizing. The medical scene was chaotic as doctors and nurses scurried about.
Then, after so much chaos, Logan was born and there was stillness.
The Stewarts didn’t know what to expect. They had been told that Logan may be born in pieces. They weren’t sure what his birth would be like. There was a chance it would be very gruesome. But when he was born, Logan was alive and beautiful.
Logan’s Final Moments
Andy and Jamie held their son as he began to die. They had not expected to see Logan alive so they treasured every second with him. Kelly also got to hold her nephew. Eventually, Logan was passed back to Andy, his father.
In Andy’s arms, Logan came closer and closer to leaving. Andy lifted him up to God and the family prayed for God to take their son.
Logan passed away and the Stewarts felt a sense of calm. All the many weeks of fear and anxiety had passed. And Logan was with Jesus now.
A Long Road Ahead
The future wasn’t any easier though.
The Stewarts still needed to grieve and everyday life became taxing and exhausting. Not only were they dealing with the loss of their son but they were navigating the complexities of talking to others about it.
No one understood what Andy and Jamie were going through and it was difficult to talk to others and process what had happened.
Neither Andy nor Jamie left their faith but they did wrestle with God. They struggled to understand why God didn’t heal their son. There were so many complex emotions to feel and work through.
They had a supportive family and a supportive church. And over the years, they found a renewed trust in God.
This season inspired them to establish a non-profit called Walk With Me which focuses on providing practical, financial, and emotional support to families dealing with infant loss and directing them to the true source of Hope.
Despite the pain of losing Logan on earth, the Stewarts have hope that the time they will spend with Logan in eternity will make their present loss pale in comparison.
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Jace Bower is a writer with a passion for justice and biblical principles. He writes at jacebower.com.
Win an Autographed Copy of Walk With Me: A Journey of Infant Loss, Grief & Hope by Jamie Stewart
Note: Winner must live in the United States.
Note: Winner must live in the United States.
Additional Information
Jamie has a new book about their story (published on October 26, 2022). Walk With Me: A Journey of Infant Loss, Grief & Hope
Walk With Me is the non-profit the Stewarts started to help families that have either lost a child or have received a terminal diagnosis.
Learn more about Osteogenesis Imperfecta at the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Foundation
Videos
“I Want To Trust…” is a sermon their pastor preached about Logan’s story.
“Times” by Tenth Avenue North is the song that Andy heard on K-Love after Logan’s passing. It’s a special Valentine’s Day version that only airs on K-Love once a year. The lyrics are beneath the video.
Lyrics to “Times” by Tenth Avenue North (Valentine’s Day version)
[Verse 1]
I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
[Spoken]
My Child, I know everything about you
I knew you even before you were conceived
I knit you together in your mother's womb
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book
I'm not distant or angry
I am the complete expression of love.
[Verse 2]
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
[Spoken]
It is my desire to lavish my love on you
Simply because you are my child
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand
Because you are my treasured possession.
Oh oh oh
When you are broken-hearted, I'm close to you
Like a shepherd carries a lamb, I've carried you close to my heart.
Oh oh oh
One day, I'll wipe away every tear from your eyes
And I'll take away all of your pain.
Oh oh oh
[Bridge]
I hear You say
"My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real
The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend
Well my love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends."
[Spoken]
My son died so that you and I could be together
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again
I've always been your Father, and will always be your Father
And when you come home, I'll throw the biggest party Heaven has ever seen.
