#57 Delivered from Domestic Abuse - Ramona Chirko

Season 5

Nov 8

For years, Ramona and her husband served in churches together. On the outside, it looked like they had a picture-perfect marriage, but in reality, Ramona was carrying a dark secret. Her husband was emotionally and physically abusive, and Ramona had lost all hope... until one day she realized that the source of true Hope had never left her at all.

The following is a summary of the podcast interview above with Ramona Chirko. Many more details are included in the original podcast episode and we encourage you to listen.

Written by Jace Bower

Note: Names have been changed in the following story.

A Rich Christian Heritage

Ramona Chirko grew up with a rich Christian heritage from her extended family. Not long after she was born her father walked away from Christianity and her mother remarried several times. Ramona came to faith at a young age but went through a season of rebellion and partying during her teenage years.

God renewed Ramona’s heart and she re-committed her life to Christ before leaving for college. During her time at a Christian college, she grew deeper in her relationship with God and spent hours studying God’s word and praying.

Meeting Adam

While at college, Ramona met Adam, a popular young ministry student. He looked after Ramona and they began dating. Although Ramona didn’t have any romantic feelings for Adam, she liked him as a person.

After just two months of dating, Adam proposed. Ramona said yes although she wasn’t sure she was ready to marry Adam. She prayed that God would speak to her if she had made the wrong choice. She never heard anything from God so she went forward with the engagement.

Red Flags

During their engagement, a couple of red flags regarding Adam’s character were revealed. He was the treasurer of his Christian fraternity at the college and some money was missing. Adam vowed that he didn’t know anything about the missing money. But six months later, in a private conversation with Ramona, he let slip that he had “borrowed” money from the fraternity to pay for his final semester at college.

He also revealed to Ramona that he had squandered a lot of money in college and was in debt.

Ramona was so caught up in preparing to get married that she ignored these red flags.

A Rocky Start

Not long after Adam and Ramona got married, they started fighting. The first time they fought, Ramona started yelling at Adam about a concern she had with the electric bill they had received.

The fight ended when Adam hit her.

That was not the last time Adam would physically abuse Ramona. In fact, it was just the beginning of a long season of habitual abuse.

All the while, Adam was training to be a pastor and was working in youth ministry. He had gone to seminary and was now looking for a job at a church.

Moving to Tennessee

Adam got a job as a youth pastor at a church in Texas and the congregation was very welcoming. But Adam had a bitter grudge against the lead pastor, his boss. He gossiped about the pastor behind his back to Ramona, parents in the youth group, and other congregants.

Meanwhile, Ramona was pursuing a master’s degree in family counseling. She had made a deal with Adam that after he finished his graduate degree at seminary, it would be her turn. She applied to a local Christian graduate school and was accepted.

At the time, she and Adam were trying to have kids but Ramona was not getting pregnant. She took on as much coursework as she could so she could graduate before she got pregnant. But just one semester before finishing, Adam couldn’t take it anymore. He was fed up with his job at the church and he got a new job at a church in Tennessee.

Removed From Temptation

When Adam and Ramona moved to Tennessee, the abuse didn’t stop. Ramona was also facing the pain of not being able to have children and watching all the other women her age at church having babies.

However, the same pattern played out again with Adam’s position at the church. He began to speak ill of the pastor behind his back and this time he was let go from his role as the youth pastor and told to find a new job.

He did find a new job as a youth pastor at another church and the family moved again.

Ramona got a new job as a secretary at an engineering firm. The constant turmoil in their home life and Adam’s abusive behavior left Ramona in a very vulnerable position and her boss had a sympathetic ear. Ramona began developing romantic feelings for her employer.

Before this emotional entanglement could go any further, God removed Ramona from the compromising situation by moving the family back to Texas where Adam got a job as a youth pastor at a megachurch.

Depression & Suicidal Thoughts

By this time, eleven years into her marriage, the mistreatment and abuse Ramona suffered from her husband had led to severe depression. It took her an hour to get out of bed in the morning and she could hardly make it through the workday.

She began to have suicidal thoughts and she drove herself to the emergency room. The doctor there was kind and Ramona told him about the abuse she was suffering. He was the first person she had ever told since the abuse had started when she and Adam first got married.

Rather than being sympathetic and caring for Ramona, Adam was angry with her that she had gone to the hospital and told the doctor about his behavior. From that point on, Ramona began to think, for the first time, about leaving her husband.

Mutual Confessions

Ramona confessed to Adam about her inappropriate emotional relationship with her employer. Adam also had a confession to make. He told Ramona that ever since his time in seminary he had been seeing prostitutes and was deeply addicted to pornography.

In a strange way, Ramona was relieved to hear Adam’s confession. She had felt so guilty and alone and now she felt like divorce was an option.

Leaving Adam

Ramona finally told her mother about everything: the abuse, the prostitutes, the pornography. Her mom encouraged her to leave Adam. But Ramona still struggled with guilt. She didn’t want to do anything wrong in regards to their marriage. She feared that God would withdraw His love if she left her abusive husband.

Finally, she decided it was time. Her mother offered to let Ramona stay with her during the transition.

Ramona planned her exit. She went to pick up one final paycheck from work, packed her clothes and belongings in her car and started driving to her mother’s place, several states away.

She almost turned around but her mother convinced her to keep driving.

Struggling with Guilt & Anger

Ramona and Adam got divorced the next year. She continued to struggle with guilt over leaving him and also with anger towards men in the church who didn’t seem to emphasize accountability in male leadership.

This led Ramona to stop going to church. She stopped praying, reading her Bible, and fellowshipping with other believers.

Coming Back to God

But God was still faithful to Ramona. She remarried and she adopted two special-needs children from China with her husband. She continued to feel bitterness towards God but through listening to radio sermons and podcasts, she began to feel for the first time that God actually loved her.

God continued to draw Ramona’s heart back to Him. His love for her had never left, even though she had withdrawn herself from Him.

God never leaves us and He loves us as a faithful Father. Psalm 103 tells us that He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Despite the mistakes that Ramona made, God never removed His love.

Ramona struggled with speaking up about her abusive marriage, thinking that God wanted her to remain in that situation. But she learned that God was not angry with her and that He did not want her to continue suffering under Adam’s mistreatment.

God’s Fatherly love was leading Ramona back to Himself.

—
Jace Bower is a writer with a passion for justice and biblical principles. He writes at jacebower.com.

Seek Help Now

Domestic violence is serious and is not something to be taken lightly or brushed under the rug. Yes, Jesus calls us to forgive and love those who persecute us, but that does not mean staying silent and telling no one.

Remaining silent is one of the worst things that someone suffering from domestic violence can do.

Rather, the 3 most loving things you can do to serve someone who is hurting you is (in this order):